Whats wrong with me? He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. Last night he went out with friends after work and came home very late and I was irritate but tried to just let it go. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. The CS has to come to their own conclusions and realizations. Hes trying to punish me because I made him leave, but in the long run hes also punishing them. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. Then the next day he sent me a text after I left for work asking why I thought he was still speaking to her. Sounds like that could be part of his impulse control issues and more. I just dont even know what is better, lliving in limbo or living apart. Before the A I would have backed down in The first 5 minutes. I allowed him to be mean and nasty. 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. I was lucky to have a great thetapist who kept me grounded and sane. I insisted we go to marriage counseling, and for a year, my counselor & I proceeded to tell him he wasnt meeting my needs. I think im still SOMEHOW so shocked by all of this, that everytime he does something that shows me he is pulling away, Its like being kicked in the stomach. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. I would not give him a divorce so easy. You have told him he can be with the other woman all he wants. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. Its not reality. And if im there calling the shots. Did she get back in touch? Respond only if you have to. He may be having more than one OW or just enjoying the flirting. The only thing that was happening was I was a total wreck, and that didnt affect you like it should have. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? If the symptoms are This will never work. My H initially went to counseling twice and quit. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. Which I get bc I feel the same way. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. I feel like I hate the guy! Needing him to do all these things to live up to what I want, and he feels controlled. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. Sometimes, he wants to discuss stuff anf sometimes I can tell hes immediately annoyed. I have changed to be a better me and am looking after my self a lot better. And then I was calling the shots. But nothing you do will influence him. Its hurtful what you are living with. I need to TRY to just be positive and focus on ME and the baby, and stop focusing EVERY WAKING MOMENT on what hes feeling and how bad this situation feels. I am telling you this to help you avoid the six months of hell I put myself through thinking I knew my H well enough to fix the situation, end the A and reconcile. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. You are NOT doing anything wrong. (so untrue but whats the point), I said Okay, well YOU DONT, bc youre NOT HERE. Of course I was very unprepared for the ILYBNILWY speech a few days later and demand for a D a week after DDay1. I wasnt happy in our marriage so im justifying doing the things I want to do. But who knows. He spreads so much lies and hate about me to his allies, its disgusting. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. Then soon after that we started to have sex again, then things started to move back to us being together again and I think it spooked him as soon as I pressured him to not be out too late and stick to his word about things. Its just rude, and he knows that, but he twists it all up and justifies everything he does. Very few know we are having issues. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. Unfortunately that is the truth. But it is an excuse to justify his own behavior (as in I went out all the time b/c you acted like you didnt care). I feel good about myself. Just remember he is addicted to his new lifestyle. You cannot make people wNt something. K. I will contact Doug to give you my email address. Good for you for standing up to him. Especially when it used to be ALL he cared about. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. I know I went into a type of shock the day I stumbled onto my husbands EA. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. And Im also terrified he will rush into a divorce, when we have both said all along we didnt want to do that yet. I knew him 30 years and saw him in front of me and he was a completely different person. If hes making that choice NOW when your M is in need of life support then he would most likely be making that choice 6 months from now. For the life of me I cannot remember where, so I cant give proper credit, but here it is anyways. What a big mess. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. What makes my situation different is that my H came home and admitted the affair. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. January 4, 2017 I saw a 5 second call to Hs coworker (whom I ALWAYS been uncomfortable and suspicious about, as she is a known who*e and homewrecker in his workplace. He only associates with shady characters he knows will agree with him and who dont know us well enough to filter through his BS. Calm. And the next day I had another t shirt on and he was like where are all these t shirts coming from?, bc theyre just old t shirts and he hasnt seen them on me before so hes curious. How convenient for him. But the day he is out in the street b/c she has moved on (and we all know she will) as he has no Job or $ or anything he will do one of two things. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. Its much easier when he is apologizing and texting me and seems remorseful. Just like an alcoholic will do whatever is necessary to get alcohol, the same is true for a cheater. Whether that means through college or after, he cannot just walk away without living up to his responsibility as a father. Even though Ive known about all of this for 7 months now and weve been going through problems for 10 months now. He suddenly realized what an idiot he was and how screwed up he was. Thats the only time it felt like maybe he was seeing things clearly, and then that quickly went away. the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. Its RUDE to go out all night and not even inform me when we live in the same house and im at home raising the baby. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. Hi Doug Thank you for your advice Doug. I didnt know we had problems so it all has been a total rollercoaster. I think at first he definitely wanted me to end it so he wouldnt feel bad about what he was doing, but now part of me feels like if I end it he will be angry but then a little sad and then just go out and find someone else. Its been a few weeks since ive written. Only this week, his counsellor validated my view, stating that in her opinion the OW knew exactly what was going on and was lapping up his adoration. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. I am DETERMINED to be happy with or without him, but I would be MUCH HAPPIER with him. Ive felt this way for years. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. I said go live the life you want to live, just stop coming here afterwards. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? Maybe Im totally wrong. All this affair fog is nothing but fucking crap they do not respect you they do not love you they do not care about the consequences that is going to happen all of this affair fog is nothing but excuses for them to have sex with another person they have given up on their marriage and they are not worthyOf being with, I totally agree. And you have also posed how the 180 is necesssry for you. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. I need to DO iT. He says he knows he was wrong and he wishes he had never even given in to affair, etc, but that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and wishes he had spoken up. Sorry to say. He had you in limbo. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. I think you did the best thing given the options you had. I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. And if there is any contact whatsoever you should not waste your time and energy on her or the marriage right now. One year ago today we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy and excited. He is constantly saying Oh ill be home early. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. He will regret it one day. Now, I know it was for the last several years. It financially protects me. He said he did not want to b/c he wanted to R. I picked up the phone and told him on X date you will go to a friends house until you find your own place. I have no idea. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. It is fine if you decide the M no mo get works. Its hard bc we have such a young baby, I have a large family, things are always going on, and its like we just go right back into a routine and hes thinking gosh, this isnt what I wanted to get back into, and I do get that. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. If possible, wed also like to hear from those of you whose spouse has emerged from the fog, and how you feel that was accomplished. Hanging out in bars. Youre absolutely right. K. Seriously I am married to his twin lol. Youre absolutely right, they are twins! It almost felt like there were no problems leaving the PA. I literally thought my H started using drugs he was so out of character. And I wonder if he will be with her if we permanently split, even though when I bring her up he says things about her as if he doesnt care about her, but I think back to the texts I read between them in January and I just want to melt away. That was 20 years ago. We discussed him getting his own place might work out better. Not only that the cheater may not come back, but if the cheater does come back, trying to resolve all of that is difficult. And the next morning im upbeat and positive and ask no questions. I wish I could control it. Im not saying he is cheating now. He was impressed by how close my family was, he became a part of it and he loved it and it was like he felt such pride in me as his girlfriend, 5 years later as his fiance, and 6 years later as his wife. But THIS MAN isnt him. That being said there are things the spouse can do that can cause further damage during the fog. He is saying he doesnt want to change. K. There is nothing you can do. I feel if she did this we could rebuild a strong relationship. I hope you have a counselor or someone you can see to support you. EVERYTHING seems fine until I start to think about the OW and the fact that he may still be talking to her and disrespecting me to my face. It blows my mind honestly. That evening my H came home, I showed him the bills and said This sh*t stops NOW! He looked remorseful, and then surprised as I took his phone, put it on speaker phone, called her and said Deanna, this is Kelly and Im calling to tell you to STOP TEXTING MY HUSBAND. of course not. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! I said and did all those things. It will help you and your marriage. But it is a calm rational approach. I hope he wishes up soon. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. He fantasized about escape. Its EXHAUSTING. She needs to make her decisions on her own and I doubt that she really moved out to find herself. Perhaps thats a small part of the reason, but I bet she did more so that she could spend more time with the affair partner. Am I making myself too available? Right now he is counting on you being a mess. Exactly. I was very calm and rational. Second was he was proving he was changing. In the last 7 months he has moved out, moved back, moved out again, tried starting over with me, swore to never speak to her, spoke to her, had relations with her, tried to work things out with me, moved out again, etc etc. Linda: Honestly, this is why its so difficult to pinpoint because most of the time, when you start doing the things like checking the phone records or talking to the [affair partners]husband, what happens is they end up getting more secretive. Funny how he accused me of that well he did it to me but worse. You can also subscribe without commenting. But we continue to face issues along the way even 3 years later. I know you are desperate to save your M. I was too. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. I hope you can see this. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. Valentines Day he gives me a card apologizing for his lack of emotion, his emptiness, unhappiness, etc. I was calm and practical and told him if he does not want to be married any more (after 25 years) feel free to go. I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. I told him on a few occasions I am not standing in your way. Coach assigns us a book to read together. Start disengaging that may make his head spin around. If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. im just so confused. These are the things I did with my H. The Red Flags were he refused counseling. That was just over a year ago, and he never did come back. I read opposing things, that its good to live together bc the communication continues, and then that its better to separate so they can see what theyre missing. WebIt was devastating news to say the least. Big difference! After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. I didnt even think about the possibility of her having an affair. The A fog (the state yiur H is in) will make you crazy. People lie would start yelling at her if they ran out of an item like rye bread. It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. Its like he is literally trying to push me out of the house. She is such a good person he would say to me. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! With all my might!! Maybe im allowing him too much freedom and he will just love it. Trying the 180 my head is so confused.. Yup Yup and Yup. But he gets very worked up and says a lot of things out of anger that really hurt me, so I ended up walking away from the argument. But hes not interested (right now). Im serious on that sorry to say. I dont know..well see how it goes. Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. He changed. My theory is you are either with me or not. I know it does. But the cheater continues to push us away. Theyre in the affair, and they think theyre in love, and theyre going to have the other person no matter what, and they dont care. And now he says he has been trying to, but honestly I do not see that at all. We laugh, we talk about normal things. He went and laid on the couch and sent me a text saying lets finalize a divorce. since I had no proof back then that anything happened and he denied it I had to accept it. I am assuming he means that I want things to go back to how they were too quickly. He doesnt even see it, he doesnt even see all the things were missing out on as a family bc of him. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. It was so romantic. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get over. You are not giving him a pass or acting like nothing happened. She said that I am attractive but she isnt attracted to me. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. Its funny you said those 2 options bc during our argument the other day he said something like we will never get past this unless you see it my way, or something like that. But for some reason he would change his mind and then regret would appear and two weeks later he wanted a D (yet again). But when it continues while youre aware of it and youre dealing with your behaviors and the way youre acting, that is so much for a betrayed spouse to handle. My ultimate goal is obviously for us to be together and work through this, but i cant make him want that. From the moment I met her I told him watch your back she likes you more than a friend. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. K. The other thing that I said to my H during his A and A fog and false reconciliation and the times he said he wanted a D was this. Forgiveness takes a long time. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. Its a long process to full reconciliation. Not any more. It would not surprise me though. I also wonder what he meant when he said that I am too impatient. And living in limbo, walking on egg shells day in and day out was not a way to live. I could stay busy ALL the time, go be with my friends, when in reality, I want to be home with my baby. Because our relationship was failing. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. She was 40 my husband 58. He goes out till all hours and doesnt tell you. Justify and rationalize the cheating and lifestyle choices in any way necessary. Thats why I love this blog. This is a man who loved me more than he loved himself. And that was when we were actually living apart and i was trying to do the 180. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. He has no right to put you in limbo. Once I finish the book I plan to discuss a game plan with our adult children. But lied about it and snuck around. It hurts. Because I just dont want to be that person. My friend came to me and let me sob on her shoulder while she told me how she and her H had gotten thru an affair 30 years before, which entailed him moving out and in with the local bartender. Your confrontation with him was to try and get your M off life support. Sad to say your H has a support group who believe him. I found out (6 months pregnant) that he was having an affair. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. BUT if he chooses to lie then the conversation is over. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. I think he had probably gone to the bar for a drink or 2 which again, I dont mind in moderation, but he was happy and nice. I hope any of this advice helps you. When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. Im sorry for rambling! NO YELLING! Thats terrifying. Started as EA but became more than that. Unfortunately, hed driven the damage to hell and back before I got the resolve to take it away. 4. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. The most hurtful words I ever said. How did you control the Panic Attacks? What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. Of course they are idiots but that is another conversation. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. Or get him to make a decision. This is about you and your M and his choices and behavior. In any event I always try to be positive and hope things turn around. Me, almost five months, passed already. She doesnt trust him. Different than now? Not that it matters anyway. After a couple of months, if theyre still continuing the affair and in the fog, you have to start changing your behavior somehow. Sorry this is so long, I am a littler nervous to publish this to a website! I am not stopping you. Dopamine, If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes. Calm and rational. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. I dont know where his head is right now, I dont know if hes leaning towards divorce, but I do think hes still talking to original OW and im sure she pushed that. I just dont know how much longer this can last. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. Its easy to say I dont want him here, when hes here all the time. I learned this from my H cheating. Regardless, keep focusing on yourself and your kids. I dont want to lose myself. I just think as long as he is with her I cant move forward and why her?? It has been the most difficult time in my entire life. Could be he is no longer that interested in going out . But I am his wife. I feel like I have tried all of the above to get my CS out of the affair fog, its been 7 months and he is going strong with the OW. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. It sounds like your h is irresponsible and immature because he acts like a selfish overgrown toddler. When we started dating I was madly in love with him. He doesnt want your help. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). Get your self together. I dont know. She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! And I didnt, and I will always regret that. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. I hope he comes to his senses. If you would have said, This has got to end or Im leaving, or Im taking the kids with me, You have got to get out, or whatever, I think that would have expedited the fog disappearing a lot faster. Its so much pain. He is expecting you to give in to him. He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. I am going to go speak to a therapist, I think that will help. do you have any advice to what more to do? She was 23 at the start of their relationship, the same year I celebrated my 50th birthday, so I get you on the 20 something part too. And do not mention the OW for now. He now has a new respect for me AND he knows I could walk out the door anytime b/c I am strong enough to do it. I too went through the limbo stage but I was getting the I want a D discussion. You were hurting me, but I wasnt aware of it. I need to do the 180 and completely stick to it. Any advice will be appreciated, thank you. No craziness. trouble is the tunnel And honestly, I do understand where hes coming from with some stuff. NO YELLING! We had just gone to a workshop for troubled marriages thru our church at the beginning of December and celebrated our 25th anniversary in October. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. Hes proven hes a big liar and a cheat. You are wasting your time. And then the next morning he leaves for work and I immediately wonder what im in for for the day. With therapy and support and this blog, I have confidence in myself. I have been told to blame my husband not the OW. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. Again, if he lies, you tell him that you are expecting him to be honest. And If I keep kicking him out and letting him back im like the boy who cried wolf. This went on for years. Right now, him and i are not a couple, so I am just trying so hard to stop getting so worked up. I felt like i had FINALLY gotten him to see the light. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. You have made some very valid and crucial points: This guy is testing you (I believe he is) and not for any good reason IMO. Day by day I am grown weaker & more weaker. Then he went on again to say he would be out of the house asap and asked how we will go about scheduling the baby. And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. Think of it this way. like you said, I cannot change him. You cannot rationalize with crazy. I told him to leave. Recharge yourself.